I told God the other day I wanted to die. Lit a flame under mother moons light, and told her I was ready to go.The flood in my soul produces a singular salted drop, illuminated only by my candles orange light
A lifetime of heaviness.
Enough sadness for 2 lifetimes.
I no longer choose to feel.
Before me lies a choice, the decision to change the reality of whom I have been.
A choice.
A path split into two.
On one side a promise.
This timeline is filled with light and joy, love and laughter.
A woman sits at the head of the table, lost in celebration, surrounded by all whom have loved her. A feast on the table. I hear laughter, they are in deep celebration. The light illuminating from this path is blinding. Colors dance off mahogany painted skin. It smells of sweet wine, I can almost taste the nectar. Music fills the air, and I am almost brought to tears for I have never seen such joy.
On the other I see a casket, it is white.
In it lies a woman whose body bares the marks of the battle fields she has lived through.
In death she finds peace.
A return to home.
Free from limits implemented by the world of man.
A line forms around her casket by all who have “known” her. They come to say goodbyes. They are saddened, sending prayers to the most high to lead her soul home. The room is somber. Their cheeks are soaked, but on the woman’s face there is a smile. For in the somber nature of death one finds peace.
Two possibilities.
Both take courage.
One takes faith.
The other day I told God I wanted to die. Told her I was ready to go. What good is life if there is no joy, no laughter? My mask has fallen and I have lost the will to put it back on. The perceived reality of my life is one I can longer bare. In death there is peace and in death I may finally return home.
To me she came, clocked me in her love and said to me I have been here with you. You have died a thousand deaths, and I have led you through every rebirth. Your walls were not the only ones listening to your prayers. In the dark of night when the world felt cold, and the darkness of the night seemed like your only friend, I have been with you. You have never been alone, and you will never be alone.
Breathe, look up, do you see the light? You are almost there. Take my hand, jump. Don’t look back, don’t look down, look up and ahead. Take my hand, I will lead you through.
She said both women are you. A decision to make. If you choose to return home, I will receive you with love, for I have missed you as well. But stay for scars, deserved or not are proof of winning the battle, not a sign of lose. Have faith that the woman at the table is not far from you. Stay. Believe that one day you will look up and you will be in a different place, in a different space, in a different time. The walls, the people, the scent, and even the colors will be proof that this joy is yours. And finally in your heart, you will have the peace you look for. Stay.
The other day I told God I wanted to die, in a dream to me she came, and to me she whispered, faith.